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Posts Tagged ‘Death Metal’

So, here’s something that just pisses me right off.

The offenders

I hesitate slightly to lay into these dudes completely, because in all honesty, I have never heard a lick of their music.  In fact, I had never even heard of this band until sometime a few weeks ago when I read some random news item on a metal blog.  However, my utter lack of familiarity with this band does basically nothing to excuse them for having one of the most awful, terrible, dog shit names in the universe.

The band in question: MyChildren MyBride.  I mean, my brain can’t even begin to fathom how many things are wrong with this name.  At first glance, it kind of looks like they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to be ‘MyChildren’ or ‘MyBride’, so they just said, ah, fuck it, let’s smash ’em together.

But then, the more you stare at this horrible piece of trash masquerading as letters and words, you think, well, okay, it’s totally their right to abuse my logic and taste circuits with their name, but why, in the name of all that is sweet and good, do they need to force the words together in that atrocious car-wreck fashion?  Why, if they insist on making these sounds when my mind pretends to pronounce their name, can’t they at least have the common decency to space things out and call themselves ‘My Children My Bride’?  Maybe they could even throw a comma in there, but hey, I guess I shouldn’t get too greedy.

This band’s name, for whatever reason, sends me into an absolute rage of loathing and unreason.  Maybe a better person than I could overlook this verbal porridge of excrement .  (Note: A quick bit of research informs me that these dudes play “Christian metalcore,” and thus I must admit the possibility that someone with a greater knowledge of Scripture might find this name “deep” or “meaningful” or “not entirely irredeemable.”  However, if I could offer a quick piece of advice to any aspiring “Christian metalcore” acts: Zao already prospectively owns you, so please GTFO.)

Now, as an avid metal listener, I know I already offer myself up to a fair amount of ridicule amongst my non-metal listening peers.  Obviously, this is hardly the only band to have drilled deep into their creative subconscious, and dredged up nothing but a misshapen lump of crude.  Even exempting the similarly rage-inspiring excesses of the entire genre of gore-grind, you and I both know that heavy metal has much for which to answer.

It is probably also the case that one builds up a tolerance for bands whose music one already enjoys (I mean, have you ever really thought about what in the hell Cannibal Corpse even means?  Does it describe someone eating a corpse?  Or a reanimated corpse eating a living human?  Or two reanimated corpses eating one another?  The offensive nature of the thing, I can harbor, but I will brook no such linguistic ambiguity, folks.), which may also explain why I am equally driven bat-shit insane every time I see the name of the band Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky written out.  Never heard ’em, and don’t care to, but WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY FUCK WERE YOU LOT THINKING?

Which is to say: What band names drive you one-hundred per cent nutty?

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Song of the day: “The Blood,” by The Cure, from The Head on the Door.  This brilliantly mopey goth-fest (well, shit, this IS The “Baths Only” Cure, after all) features some supremely tasty flamenco guitar strumming, and some odd flute-y/keyboard riff on a vaguely Middle Eastern-sounding scale.  I’m also digging this song today because the flamenco bits remind me of one of my absolute favorite Keep Of Kalessin tracks, “The Black Uncharted,” from their excellent Armada album.  The KoK track breaks down into a flamenco section about midway through before building back up to melodic widdling and black metal bashing, and, paired with the track which precedes it, “Crown of the Kings,” forms a phenomenal one-two gut punch.  So, way to go, Robert Smith & Co., for putting me in mind of blasting Norwegian metal (though, in all fairness, many things put me in such a mind…).

How is this...

...like this?

Album of the day: Krisiun, Black Force Domain (1995).

Imagine this album punching you in the face for five weeks

Completely face-melting debut by these three Brazilian brothers offers up twisted, ugly, juddering, bruising death metal.  The drums clatter along like loose wheels about ready to derail a freight train carrying molten lava to the center of the blighted earth, and the delicious twinned guitar leads and solos thrash about to rise above the perfectly dank production, only to collapse back in upon themselves.  These dudes have gotten boatloads more precise and well-produced in the past decade and a half, but this is my go-to record for Brazilian brutality (Sepultura who?).  Death to false metal, &c., &c.

Made up genre of the day: Malaisecore.  This would be, like, what?  Maybe an exceptionally lazy offspring of grunge and hardcore?  Sonic Youth without any chops?  Texas Is The Reason?  Ball-less nonsense that stomps on and on and goes nowhere, basically begging to be euthanized?  Oh, shit, nevermind, that’s already a genre – allow me to present for your consideration Nickelback, paragons of malaisecore since 1996.

For real made up genre of the day, then: Sun Tzu’s The Art of War Metal.  Let’s get on this one, folks; seems like we need to open some diplomatic channels between China and Canada (Blasphemy, Conqueror, Revenge, etc.) all up in here.

Peace/Metal/Cheers/Hails,
d

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